Manusia dan Perasaan

Selamat hari Sabtu, yang berarti besok adalah hari Minggu. Menurutku, hari Sabtu itu lebih menyenangkan daripada hari Minggu. Kenapa? Karena esok harinya adalah hari Minggu.

Entah kenapa aku ingin menulis mengenai hal ini, yang tadinya aku pikir tidak ingin aku tuliskan di blog ini. Lebih baik aku simpan untuk koleksi pribadi. Tapi, ternyata ada secercah keinginan untuk membagikan kisah yang mungkin seharusnya tidak harus dibagikan. Karena? Karena, siapa aku? Sok-sok-an membagikan kisah, hahaha. Meskipun begitu, aku ingin siapapun yang membaca tulisan ini, baik dalam waktu dekat atau waktu jauh (LOL), bisa berbagi juga tentang kisahnya kepadaku yang selalu tertarik dengan manusia dan dimensinya.

Manusia dan perasaan. Aku sendiri tidak tahu kenapa memilih judul itu. Alasan aku menulis adalah kesadaran bahwa ternyata perasaan bukan hal yang patut untuk ditertawakan atau dikesampingkan. Maksudnya, terkadang manusia masih menertawakan satu sama lain bukan ketika misalnya temanmu mengalami patah hati dan kamu berkata ‘sudahlah, buat apa menangis karena hal seperti itu?’. Karena nyatanya, masalah hati itu serius dan patut diperhatikan. Tapi, aku pun tadinya adalah orang yang aku sebutkan sendiri sebelumnya. Menanggap remeh masalah hati dan mematahkan sayap-sayap manusia yang memberikan hatinya. Terlalu sombong memang. Pun, ketika aku merasakan penyesalan di mana seseorang pergi, aku tidak pernah belajar. Hingga, pada titik itu, aku diberikan pelajaran. Mematahkan tidak hanya perasaan, namun juga raga.

Semua terjadi secara cepat, tidak memberiku waktu untuk berpikir. Seperti kamu barusan saja sampai dari perjalanan panjang dan tiba-tiba kamu mendapatkan tamparan di pipi. Atau apa ya yang lebih menyakitkan? Oh, aku tidak sepenuhnya benar, sebelumnya aku punya waktu menyiapkan diri, yang nyatanya itu tidak berguna. Bahkan, elakanku untuk mengakui bahwa seseorang itu memang berharga pun tidak berguna. Satu malam, dua malam, tiga malam, dan hingga malam-malam keberapa yang aku tidak sadari, hanya kehampaan yang datang. Kehampaan yang menuntunku untuk tidak bisa merasakan perasaanku sendiri, apa aku sedang bahagia, sedih, kecewa, atau marah? Bahkan, aku yang sangat menyukai makanan, pada saat itu merasa tidak bisa merasakan rasa makanan apapun. Yang bisa aku pikirikan hanya, ‘jadi ini rasanya.’ Yang aku bisa hanya berlari, jauh, namun tiba-tiba aku ingin berbalik. Rasanya seperti lari bolak-balik, persis seperti itu. Aku berpikir diriku sangat berlebihan hingga beberapa waktu setelahnya, namun ternyata, tidak. Aku bersyukur bisa mengalami itu, karena artinya aku masih memiliki perasaan, yang selama ini aku pertanyakan.  Semua orang menyuruhku untuk menjadi kuat, meyakinkan bahwa aku bisa melewati semua itu. Aku sangat berterima kasih kepada semua orang itu, tapi kalau boleh jujur, kata-kata seperti itu buatku adalah tipuan. Kekuatan memang aku butuhkan, namun ternyata kesabaran lebih dibutuhkan. Karena itu juga, aku belajar bahwa aku tidak ingin menyuruh orang yang mengalami apa yang aku alami untuk kuat. Aku akan mengatakan kepada mereka bahwa apa yang mereka alami tidak mudah, tapi aku akan terus berada di samping mereka.

Kesabaran seperti kataku tadi adalah awalnya aku ingin semuanya cepat terlupakan. Awalnya aku menganggap hal seperti hanya akan berlangsung selama dua minggu hingga satu bulan saja. Lagi-lagi, ini bukan hal yang patut kamu tiru. Berdamai dengan diri sendiri dengan menyadari bahwa semuanya harus berjalan pelan dan hati-hati lebih penting daripada berusaha langsung melupakan. Semua butuh proses dengan melangkah, dan kamu tidak bisa lompat dari satu langkah ke langkah lain. Kamu harus mengikuti langkahnya. Hal pertama yang kamu rasakan adalah mempertanyakan apa yang terjadi. Selanjutnya, kamu akan menyalahkan diri sendiri dan berusaha memperbaiki. Namun, lama-lama, kamu akan menyimpan kebencian dan dendam. Hingga, kamu akan mencapai masa di mana kamu tidak lagi merasakan apa-apa, bukan rindu, bukan benci, tidak juga mendoakan kembali untuk kebahagiaannya. Di masa itu, cobalah belajar, karena kemudian aku menyadari bahwa ketika dua orang memutuskan untuk menghentikan perasaan satu sama lain, percayalah, itu bukan salahmu atau salah dia saja. Tapi, dua orang itu bersalah. Jadi, jangan mencoba menyalahkan dirimu atau dirinya karena tidak ada yang perlu dipersalahkan. Hanya, mungkin kalian memang tidak ditakdirkan untuk bersama karena tidak bisa mengerti satu sama lain. Atau, terlalu sulit untuk saling bertahan satu sama lain, meskipun sudah mencoba. Aku pun masih tidak percaya bisa mencapai masa ini, di mana rasanya semua telah berlalu, dan aku bisa melepaskan dengan damai. Hanya satu yang aku sayangkan, aku telah lupa akan semua kenangan, seperti yang biasa aku lakukan ketika perasaanku terpatahkan. Aku minta maaf, tapi ini adalah hal terbaik yang bisa aku lakukan.

Untuk siapapun yang sedang berjuang untuk keluar dari kungkungan perasaan yang terpatahkan, percayalah bahwa waktu benar-benar akan menyembuhkan segalanya, bahkan ketika kamu tidak berusaha. Untukku, semakin aku berusaha, segalanya malah berubah semakin sulit. Jadi, terkadang, yang bisa kamu lakukan memang hanya menyerahkan segalanya kepada waktu, seiring dengan satu-satunya usaha yang bisa kamu lakukan, berharaplah untuk tidak bertemu dengannya dalam waktu yang sangat lama. Karena, bertemu kembali di saat semuanya belum sembuh, memang sangat menyulitkan.

 

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Seberapa Jauh Kita Berubah?

So, by identifying these pictures, you will know how far we change, emm of course physically.20509Taken on September 2013

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Taken on March 2014

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Taken on June 2014

DSC_1159Taken on January 2015

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Taken on May 2015

Do you see the differences?

Insecure.

Honestly, that title represents the content of this post. Why? I want to share, that I often feel insecure. I know that most people feel the same too. But, it is so hard for me to ignore that thought because I make a big gap between me and the others, so they can’t get closer to me. Why? I have my own reason. Because I am the type of person who always make shield before something hurts me, even in the end, it doesn’t hurt me. Let me put it in easy picture, I am difficult to trust people because I don’t want once I trust them, they will betray me, so I choose not to trust them, get it? I choose not to have any close relationship rather than being hurt in the end, eventhough I do not know, I will get hurt or not. I am scared that I will get hurt. I choose to pass straight way than “mountainous” way because I have no confidence to pass it, there are so many things which make me worry.

I hope I can read people’s mind, so I know what exactly they think about me. But unfortunately, I can’t, or may be I should get into faculty of psychology? LOL. I think that is why, people are the most mysterious matter in this world. You can change people by affecting their feeling, whether from good to be bad or vice versa. People are not consistent, they live based on their interest and their feeling. Once their interests lead them, they will ignore their feeling.

Apa yang Telah Aku Dapatkan?

Annyeonghaseyo^^ It’s been a long time! Actually, I tried to post something new a while ago, but I ended up save it as a draft :(. It was too difficult to type something, may be because I am too much typing for my assignments lol. So, let me use english and bahasa in this post, because I will tell you all about my-a-year-experience-of-being-a-college-student, and I hope the readers will be those who will become a college student soon.

I am confused, dari mana aku harus memulai? Okay *take deep breath* lol. Setahun yang lalu, I was still in third grade of senior high school. Mungkin beberapa readers sudah tahu, atau tidak ada yang tahu, I wanted to be a doctor so much, it was my dream since I was child, even in kindergarten. Mungkin karena kata-kata dokter lah yang paling sering saya dengar waktu kecil, so it’s like planted inside my heart. But, karena negara api menyerang, and I considered some factors, I didn’t know why I wanted to go out from “those” things. I was bored. So, I decided to choose international relations, far from “medical” things right? Jadi, kenapa saya memutuskan untuk berpindah jalur? Mengapa masuk jurusan IPA kalo ujungnya masuk jurusan IPS? Well, I didn’t know, considered it as a fate. Saya memilih international relations as my first choice, dan kedokteran gigi as my second choice. And gratefully, I was accepted in international relations 🙂 But…honestly, I was not that happy. I felt empty. And suddenly, thought, why should I chose this?!

Second thing, I felt wrong was I got accepted in university out of my current city, I should move in another city. At first, I was like, mom I could do this, I want to go far from here, I want to be “mandiri”. But, readers, things didn’t go like what you imagined before! Living alone was so hard. Like you had no one in your life. I cried, day and night, like a zombie without a soul, my room got messed and I didn’t know how to fix it. No, no, I knew, but I was too lazy. I said to my dad and mom, I want to go home! I am not strong enough to be here. Nothing goes well here, I can’t adapt with my major, my life, and my friends. Yeah, everything was new for me! Like they were aliens that went down from space. I could not make a normal communications with them.

But…gratefully, it was my past. Gradually, I can ignore it and be better time to time. I am not sure whether I have fixed my life, or I have passed everything? I think no, but I just feel like I am in normal life now. What is the key? ADAPTATION and also be grateful with everything you have. Believe that God will not give you obstacles which can’t you face. Be strong and be brave! Don’t give up. I have no problems now? No, I have problems. But, I keep trying, to draw smiles on my parents’s face.

Buat mahasiswa baru yang baru aja lulus sma, do what you want, mau coret-coretan kek, mau apa kek, lakuin itu semua. Hang out as many as you can! Pokoknya pake your free time, apalagi yang mau merantau. Mau orang bilang apa kek, ngejekin lu coret-coretan apalah, do it! Karena, your next life will be harder, but the memories of happiness will be still in your heart. Then, you will know how precious your friends, cause it will be harder and harder to meet them and maintain the friendship. Sweet smile from me!

Friends.

My very first post on 2015, yeah! It’s been a while since I created this blog. My aim was to share what I love, that is about Korea because I do love it. My viewers increased day by day but since I rarely post about something interesting, I think my viewers are decreasing lol, but I hope it will increase again :). My aim for creating this blog was not to have a lot of viewers, yet I just want to write what I feel, both exciting and sad things.

This posting will be a lil bit cheesy since I will express about what I feel about friendship. Huh, I guess I wrote a lot about friendship, why? Because for me it is a kinf of relationship that can’t be expected. It can be randomly changed and moved. I never really believe my friends, but since years ago, I think, I started to believe my friends.

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Some people are not included on those photos, I consider them as my friends. And I think, I don’t really care whether they consider me as close friend or best friend. I know they care to me and it is enough. I know they don’t leave me when I am suffering. I love you all and I trust you.

I miss you guys, really miss you. I wish I could turn back the time, when we were in high school and could share our laugh. Even I know probably most of you don’t want to go back haha. I miss our quality time, when we can plan and go together easily without have to find the exact time, mostly one of us can’t join, because the different schedule. We are growing up and people say we couldn’t share jokes which are not important or do fool and weird things. But, since we are friends, I think we can. Thanks for fulfilling my days these years. Meet and know you all is one of things in this world that I should be really grateful for, until now.

We go to different paths now, half of us start to find another life, which is more exciting. Find new friends and new life. Unconsicously leaving the others, start to change the priority among the friendship. No problem, I will try to accept it, because of my belief that people change, maybe I change too eventhough I don’t realize it. But I wish that although now you guys are not the same as the past, you guys can still remember firendship that we had, we have, and hopefully we will have until forever.

BESTFRIENDS

Lol…we are princess gankz!! Having a wordpress app on my phone makes posting activity be so simple and fast*dance*. Let me introduce my gank!

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(From left to right) pipit-me-ww-megy
We are four cute girls, right(?). We met in junior high school and were not so close before. But after we attended senior high school, for some unknown reasons we became best friends.
#1 Pipit
She is the most reticent in our gank. But don’t think she is really quite because once she jokes OMG it’so funny yet weird haha. She has difficulty in interaction with older person. Pipit always says “aaeemmm” lol. The most patient too. A good listener but don’t ever hope for solution from her. She is too bad in giving solution. Someone who can boost our mood up when we are sad. She is smart in doing physics and everything related to “technique”. Sadly,she hasn’t been accepted to any universities yet. But I always pray for you! You’ll get into soon :). You may feel sad but we are always here for you. Show your best smile,pal! Show your lighest light,because your first name “nur” means light. Love yaa♡.
#2 Me
No description added haha. I just want to say sorry friends,sorry for saying to much sorry. Lol. I keep doing that because I feel I am a bad friend for you guys.
#3 Ww
Of course her name isn’t just built by two words. But I’ll not reveal her real name kk. Ww is someone who is so reliable. A friend, a mother wkkk, yet a teacher. The oldest here. Sometimes we have no idea about what you say and what you do hehe sorraaih but it’s you. A life teacher who always teaches us about this life problem. The right person to go when you feel worry and sad. My roommate-soon-to-be and my 8 years until forever pal to be (of course with everyone too).
#4 Megy
The most most most talkative one!!! Getting so crazeeh when being her chairmate. A very fun girl,so friendly,love to talk about others:p, and stalking expert. Get angry easily when she’s hungry,sleep easily too when she’s too sleepy and full. One secret..is she can’t move on from someone she’s been liking for these 5 years trolol. She keep saying have moved on but actually will never hahaha. Someone who shares almost the same memories with me. My twin in class. Everyday just filled by doing activity with her. From studying,going to canteen,joking,going home,and ALL for two years++. A girl who does not cry easily, but can be so mellow in a moment. Do you remember when our school had a praying event before national exam? You cried so loud! *holdbackmytears*. Megzzz I wish you can move on ASAP,don’t get angry easily too yaa, and even we’ll go to differrent university, I will definitely go to your home often like before hahaha,can I? We are in the same age,you are also my partner in crime. We are always mean to pipit and ww hahaha. Love youuu so much much much much!!! Wish me luck okaaay. Don’t ever frighten me again.
In the end of this posting. I REALLY LOVE YOU GUYS,DON’T FORGET OUR FRIENDSHIP ALTHOUGH WE WILL BE APART FAR AWAY. MUCH LOVE AND KISS -JASMINE-

Into The New World

No, no it is not Girls’ Generation’s song. In this post, I will talk about “a new world” for me, I mean the next world that I’ll step on. I am a-college-student-soon-to-be, and I know that college life will not be easy even more complicated than high school life. Yeah, every step in our life must be harder, right? That’s life.

I went to a high school near my home. My high school life was very fun although there were many problems happened around me and my friends, but it made me learn many lessons. Some lessons those aren’t taught in formal school. So, will my college life be more complicated? Hahaha. I found a lot of friends when I was in senior high school that I didn’t know before. They were from many schools in Semarang also other cities. I was a cold girl, I didn’t care about friendship because I believed they will come to us if they are fated to be our friends haha. But my opinion about that changed after I got into 11th grade. We should seek our friends, friendship is made. Yeah there is a fated friendship too, but maybe you should wait a long time for it. Also I realized that I was too quiet and conceited in front of them, oh my god that was because I was too shy to interact with others.

As I’ll get into a university which is far from my city, it takes 3 hours to go there, I know that I should adapt again with so many people from many areas in Indonesia. I should live far from my family. I should adapt with the lesson and tasks. I should adapt with the environment where I’m living in. And etc etc. There are no my friends, I should make a friendship again. It would be different if I chose a university in my city, I would meet my previous friends again, should not live far from my family, and should not adapt with the environment, maybe just with the lessons and tasks. But I don’t regret, em there is a little, since my mother says it is needed to make me more mature than now. I’m being so mellow nowadays, imagining how will I live far from my family, and what if I have no friends there. It makes me afraid for sure. But I also believe that a better life is waiting for me. Everyone must have experienced this way too, right? So, I’ll overcome my fears and face everything in front of me.

FIGHTING!