Insecure.

Honestly, that title represents the content of this post. Why? I want to share, that I often feel insecure. I know that most people feel the same too. But, it is so hard for me to ignore that thought because I make a big gap between me and the others, so they can’t get closer to me. Why? I have my own reason. Because I am the type of person who always make shield before something hurts me, even in the end, it doesn’t hurt me. Let me put it in easy picture, I am difficult to trust people because I don’t want once I trust them, they will betray me, so I choose not to trust them, get it? I choose not to have any close relationship rather than being hurt in the end, eventhough I do not know, I will get hurt or not. I am scared that I will get hurt. I choose to pass straight way than “mountainous” way because I have no confidence to pass it, there are so many things which make me worry.

I hope I can read people’s mind, so I know what exactly they think about me. But unfortunately, I can’t, or may be I should get into faculty of psychology? LOL. I think that is why, people are the most mysterious matter in this world. You can change people by affecting their feeling, whether from good to be bad or vice versa. People are not consistent, they live based on their interest and their feeling. Once their interests lead them, they will ignore their feeling.

Apa yang Telah Aku Dapatkan?

Annyeonghaseyo^^ It’s been a long time! Actually, I tried to post something new a while ago, but I ended up save it as a draft :(. It was too difficult to type something, may be because I am too much typing for my assignments lol. So, let me use english and bahasa in this post, because I will tell you all about my-a-year-experience-of-being-a-college-student, and I hope the readers will be those who will become a college student soon.

I am confused, dari mana aku harus memulai? Okay *take deep breath* lol. Setahun yang lalu, I was still in third grade of senior high school. Mungkin beberapa readers sudah tahu, atau tidak ada yang tahu, I wanted to be a doctor so much, it was my dream since I was child, even in kindergarten. Mungkin karena kata-kata dokter lah yang paling sering saya dengar waktu kecil, so it’s like planted inside my heart. But, karena negara api menyerang, and I considered some factors, I didn’t know why I wanted to go out from “those” things. I was bored. So, I decided to choose international relations, far from “medical” things right? Jadi, kenapa saya memutuskan untuk berpindah jalur? Mengapa masuk jurusan IPA kalo ujungnya masuk jurusan IPS? Well, I didn’t know, considered it as a fate. Saya memilih international relations as my first choice, dan kedokteran gigi as my second choice. And gratefully, I was accepted in international relations 🙂 But…honestly, I was not that happy. I felt empty. And suddenly, thought, why should I chose this?!

Second thing, I felt wrong was I got accepted in university out of my current city, I should move in another city. At first, I was like, mom I could do this, I want to go far from here, I want to be “mandiri”. But, readers, things didn’t go like what you imagined before! Living alone was so hard. Like you had no one in your life. I cried, day and night, like a zombie without a soul, my room got messed and I didn’t know how to fix it. No, no, I knew, but I was too lazy. I said to my dad and mom, I want to go home! I am not strong enough to be here. Nothing goes well here, I can’t adapt with my major, my life, and my friends. Yeah, everything was new for me! Like they were aliens that went down from space. I could not make a normal communications with them.

But…gratefully, it was my past. Gradually, I can ignore it and be better time to time. I am not sure whether I have fixed my life, or I have passed everything? I think no, but I just feel like I am in normal life now. What is the key? ADAPTATION and also be grateful with everything you have. Believe that God will not give you obstacles which can’t you face. Be strong and be brave! Don’t give up. I have no problems now? No, I have problems. But, I keep trying, to draw smiles on my parents’s face.

Buat mahasiswa baru yang baru aja lulus sma, do what you want, mau coret-coretan kek, mau apa kek, lakuin itu semua. Hang out as many as you can! Pokoknya pake your free time, apalagi yang mau merantau. Mau orang bilang apa kek, ngejekin lu coret-coretan apalah, do it! Karena, your next life will be harder, but the memories of happiness will be still in your heart. Then, you will know how precious your friends, cause it will be harder and harder to meet them and maintain the friendship. Sweet smile from me!

Into The New World

No, no it is not Girls’ Generation’s song. In this post, I will talk about “a new world” for me, I mean the next world that I’ll step on. I am a-college-student-soon-to-be, and I know that college life will not be easy even more complicated than high school life. Yeah, every step in our life must be harder, right? That’s life.

I went to a high school near my home. My high school life was very fun although there were many problems happened around me and my friends, but it made me learn many lessons. Some lessons those aren’t taught in formal school. So, will my college life be more complicated? Hahaha. I found a lot of friends when I was in senior high school that I didn’t know before. They were from many schools in Semarang also other cities. I was a cold girl, I didn’t care about friendship because I believed they will come to us if they are fated to be our friends haha. But my opinion about that changed after I got into 11th grade. We should seek our friends, friendship is made. Yeah there is a fated friendship too, but maybe you should wait a long time for it. Also I realized that I was too quiet and conceited in front of them, oh my god that was because I was too shy to interact with others.

As I’ll get into a university which is far from my city, it takes 3 hours to go there, I know that I should adapt again with so many people from many areas in Indonesia. I should live far from my family. I should adapt with the lesson and tasks. I should adapt with the environment where I’m living in. And etc etc. There are no my friends, I should make a friendship again. It would be different if I chose a university in my city, I would meet my previous friends again, should not live far from my family, and should not adapt with the environment, maybe just with the lessons and tasks. But I don’t regret, em there is a little, since my mother says it is needed to make me more mature than now. I’m being so mellow nowadays, imagining how will I live far from my family, and what if I have no friends there. It makes me afraid for sure. But I also believe that a better life is waiting for me. Everyone must have experienced this way too, right? So, I’ll overcome my fears and face everything in front of me.

FIGHTING!